We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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