Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
