If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
