You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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