Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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