remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
