Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
