apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
