I wish I could punch you in the face.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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