Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
