this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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