Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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