Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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