The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
