I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
