We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
