he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
