I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
