Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
