i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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