idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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