I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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