We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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