i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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