His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
