The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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