No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Just pee around me
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
