I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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