I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
