I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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