True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
