if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Pants 0. Shit 1.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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