I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
