well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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