I hate your face
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
