I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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