my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
