I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
