My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
