hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
