OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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