Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
is it fun? or sober?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
