I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
