the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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