it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
