I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just pee around me
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
