Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
