How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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