It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
