The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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